I lay in bed this morning, cold creeping into my soul, thinking myriad thoughts. I ran through my list of worries regarding my dad, who is currently in the hospital (see Forgotten Days.) I thought also of how this was just the icing on the cake of these sorrowful last few months.
It’s been barely a month since my grandmom passed away, leaving me with neither of my grandparents from my moms side. That was a devastating, though expected, loss. She’d been struggling for so long, fighting hard and defying death on numerous occasions.
It was challenging trying to deal with my grief while also being supervisor at my job. I tried to stay strong, but inside I felt numb. I had already told them of my plans to leave in December, to embark on an adventure in Grenada, where I’ll stay for a few months. They found someone to take over relatively quickly. I had spent about three days training her on the general process of the clothing department (I work at a thrift store), and on the more specific duties of being in charge. They decided she was ready and told me she would begin on Monday (which was three days away). This was infuriating because when they asked how I felt about it before deciding, I had told them she wasn’t ready and I still had a lot to show her. She even agreed she was not ready. They didn’t listen and decided to throw everything into chaos. The first few days were a little strange, and stressful for the girl who took over. I still had to work with her a lot to get her up to speed.
I was dealing with the change in my family, and the changes at work, and I began to have some issues with my health. I knew I had a family history of heart problems so when I was having chest pains, and these pains that felt like I was having a heart attack, I was rightly concerned. It became difficult to do my job because I was frequently in pain, light headed, and short of breath. I had pain after eating, no matter what it was. I finally made a doctors appointment. I had to leave work early one day because I felt so lousy, and it was scary, so I changed my appointment. I moved it to be two days from then, rather than having it be another six days away. I knew I’d have to go in to work a few hours late, but I figured my boss would be okay, as she is very caring and was worried about me. When I asked if it was okay, she said it was. But she told the store owner, who was not okay with it. I know it was short notice but it felt important to me to get checked out as soon as possible. I was given a verbal warning for not giving a two week notice. This was upsetting to me. I felt like it wasn’t fair, especially since I asked my supervisor and she gave me the all clear. It hurt to think that I was penalized for this, because I thought they would understand. I thought they cared about me well-being, but this made me feel otherwise. Two days passed with me giving the woman in charge the cold shoulder, and work being miserable. Finally she asked if I was mad at her and I told her how I felt. She apologized and said she didn’t know what had been going on with my health, and would have driven me to the doctor herself if she knew. I felt better after this, and two days of work passed without too much stress.
Then last night happened, and it just seemed like life was so crazy right now. My head is no longer spinning at least. I feel well rested, and am appreciating that I was able to sleep in and relax this morning.
Following my dads bizarre episode, I have decided to take measures to protect the health of my brain and heart. I ate a healthy breakfast this morning. I had a granola bar, a whole grain English muffin, a pomegranate, and pumpkin oatmeal with chia seeds, cinnamon, walnuts, and hemp powder.
Being in the kitchen, and not in my warm, cozy bed, made me realize how chilly it was. This got me thinking about autumn. It’s a lovely season, until the temperature gets too low. For me, it already is too low. It’s only going to get worse though. Winter is my least favorite season and I very much do not look forward to it. At least I’ll be moving to Grenada in January. That’ll be a whole adventure, with many blog posts about it to come.
For now I’ll try and enjoy the cooler days, remembering how oppressively hot it was just last month. I’ve done a lot of reading on improving mental health lately and they all agree that gratitude is key. So here is a list of all that I am grateful for:
- The love of my family
- My house
- My comfy bed
- Our pets
- Getting an education
- Food in the kitchen
- Having a decent job
- Having an abundance of friends who care
- My health could definitely be worse
- I live in an area surrounded by nature
- My artistic and musical abilities
- Having a car
- Not working on Sunday mornings